Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Glass is Half Empty
Maybe it's brain chemistry or maybe I'm just an asshole. Even if I really like something I can only talk about what could be better about it. You ask me if I liked a movie I just saw and I could have absolutely loved it but I can only criticize it. I'm sitting here watching American Idol, which I have not really watched at all this season because (shockingly) I'm just not that impressed by the singers, and I would like to know why I can't vote AGAINST people. For example, I like the twitchy rocker kid but I really dislike Hailey and the country singers. Now, you may ask yourself why I don't just vote for the kid with the twitch and the answer is 1 I can't remember his name and 2 you must not have been paying attention when I told you how negative I can be. I don't want to praise someone when I can criticize someone else. Compliments are awkward whereas nasty comments flow so naturally from me. The good thing about this is when you get a compliment from me, you must have done something really extraordinary. Otherwise I would be tearing you a new asshole for your failures as a human being. Sometimes its gets me down that I can't be nicer about things but mostly I'm awesome and everyone else should step it up.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Natalie is Back with a Vengeance
After a few weeks of keeping most of her thoughts to herself, Natalie explained to me today that she really prefers to jazz up the English language in her own special way. She told me how much she loves the word, "osmosis," so I asked her to define it for me. This was her response:
"It's when cells in a plant are like this (she holds up her hands and makes a circle with her fingers) and then split apart. It has something to do with sunlight and plants and KGB or that other three letter thing that has to do with plants."
Natalie let's visit dictionary.com to show you just how wrong you are.
os-mos-is
–noun
1.
Physical chemistry, Cell Biology .
a.
the tendency of a fluid, usually water, to pass through a semipermeable membrane into a solution where the solvent concentration is higher, thus equalizing the concentrations of materials on either side of the membrane.
b.
the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions. Compare endosmosis, exosmosis.
2.
a subtle or gradual absorption or mingling: He never studies but seems to learn by osmosis.
The act that Natalie described, the division of a cell, is known as mitosis which does indeed occur in the cells of plants. I cannot think for the life of me think of what she might mean by KGB, but that is the Russian mafia and has nothing at all to do with cell division or osmosis. More disturbingly, Natalie told me that she was at the top of her high school class (this was confirmed by a classmate or I would not re-print it). Yet another reason I need to move out of Revere before my child is born.
"It's when cells in a plant are like this (she holds up her hands and makes a circle with her fingers) and then split apart. It has something to do with sunlight and plants and KGB or that other three letter thing that has to do with plants."
Natalie let's visit dictionary.com to show you just how wrong you are.
os-mos-is
–noun
1.
Physical chemistry, Cell Biology .
a.
the tendency of a fluid, usually water, to pass through a semipermeable membrane into a solution where the solvent concentration is higher, thus equalizing the concentrations of materials on either side of the membrane.
b.
the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions. Compare endosmosis, exosmosis.
2.
a subtle or gradual absorption or mingling: He never studies but seems to learn by osmosis.
The act that Natalie described, the division of a cell, is known as mitosis which does indeed occur in the cells of plants. I cannot think for the life of me think of what she might mean by KGB, but that is the Russian mafia and has nothing at all to do with cell division or osmosis. More disturbingly, Natalie told me that she was at the top of her high school class (this was confirmed by a classmate or I would not re-print it). Yet another reason I need to move out of Revere before my child is born.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I Probably Won't be able to Ride the T Anymore
AT least not during rush hour or any other time where other people may be riding with me. I got on the Orange Line this evening at around 5:15. The train was packed (with idiots). I walked to the center of the car and stood. To my left were three exceptionally greasy teenagers leering at one PSP. The greasy boy holding the PSP was having his oily head stroked by his unctuous (I'll admit to using a thesaurus for that one) girlfriend while his slimy friend looked on in awe. As if the head stroking wasn't bad enough, he was waxing poetic about his favorite Final Fantasy characters loudly. To my right there was a guy wearing a green puzzle piece pin which I'm pretty sure represents Autism awareness (he is aware of Autism but not that he has it). He was playing a game on his tablet with the volume all the way up. To quote Spaceballs "I'm surrounded by assholes!" And these assholes are sitting while I am standing. I then got onto the blue line where I stood again for the whole 30 minute ride from State to Revere Beach while young, able-bodied men sat in handicapped seats. I was doing my best pregnant poses too, right hand on lower back, left on belly--NOTHING. I'm either going to have to give up on mankind or drive all the time.
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