Conversations About the Baby

Being first time parents is a really incredible experience. There is so much to learn on a daily basis. Everyday you are faced with new situations (the baby peed in his hair, the baby threw up on my face, the baby is screaming for no apparent reason, the baby's poop is orange etc.) A nurse at the hospital (perhaps imprudently) told us that he is our baby and so we can do whatever we want with him (except shake him, they made it very clear that we should not shake him). Since then many questions have arisen (can we take the baby to the bar? how much profanity is too much profanity? do you think watching all of these Dexter episodes with the baby will saddle him with his own "dark passenger?") Here are some actual conversations we have had about the baby.

Breastfeeding
Nurse: Make sure you are comfortable and relaxed. Don't hunch over. Hold his head and bring him to you.
Bill: It's not working.
Nurse: Be patient and keep working on it.
Jen: Maybe he's just more of an ass-man.
Bill: HAHAHA
Nurse: What was that?
Jen: Um, so hold his head like this?

Changing Diapers
Bill: Every time I change his diaper he pees all over the place. Yesterday he got me twice.
Jen: Use the pee pee teepees, that's what they are there for.
Bill: I can't use the pee pee teepees because they're too small.
Jen: ?? Bill, you know that his balls aren't supposed to go in the pee pee teepee, right? He doesn't pee out of his balls
Bill: Wait a minute. Are you saying that he doesn't pee out of his balls?
Jen: Do you pee out of your balls?
Bill: No, but maybe it's something you grow out of. But I guess that doesn't make sense because what do baby girls pee out of?

Late Night Feedings
Bill: Do you wanna spoon to help you get back to sleep?
Jen: How would a spoon help me get to sleep?
Bill: ...?
Jen: Ooohh, cuddle spoon. Right. That didn't make any sense. I mean, why not a fork?
Bill: You know, if you need to get more sleep I can always get up and give him a bottle.

Epic TV Watching

Jen: I hate how much time we have spent not watching The Wire today.

Bill: (whistling The Farmer in the Dell to Henry) That's your Uncle Omar.

Bill: You know we have watched over 120 hours of television in the last 6 weeks?
Jen: That only includes The Wire and Dexter. You are leaving out two full seasons of Gigolos.


I really look forward to having and sharing more of these little gems in the near future.

The Glass is Half Empty

Maybe it's brain chemistry or maybe I'm just an asshole. Even if I really like something I can only talk about what could be better about it. You ask me if I liked a movie I just saw and I could have absolutely loved it but I can only criticize it. I'm sitting here watching American Idol, which I have not really watched at all this season because (shockingly) I'm just not that impressed by the singers, and I would like to know why I can't vote AGAINST people. For example, I like the twitchy rocker kid but I really dislike Hailey and the country singers. Now, you may ask yourself why I don't just vote for the kid with the twitch and the answer is 1 I can't remember his name and 2 you must not have been paying attention when I told you how negative I can be. I don't want to praise someone when I can criticize someone else. Compliments are awkward whereas nasty comments flow so naturally from me. The good thing about this is when you get a compliment from me, you must have done something really extraordinary. Otherwise I would be tearing you a new asshole for your failures as a human being. Sometimes its gets me down that I can't be nicer about things but mostly I'm awesome and everyone else should step it up.

Natalie is Back with a Vengeance

After a few weeks of keeping most of her thoughts to herself, Natalie explained to me today that she really prefers to jazz up the English language in her own special way. She told me how much she loves the word, "osmosis," so I asked her to define it for me. This was her response:
"It's when cells in a plant are like this (she holds up her hands and makes a circle with her fingers) and then split apart. It has something to do with sunlight and plants and KGB or that other three letter thing that has to do with plants."
Natalie let's visit dictionary.com to show you just how wrong you are.
os-mos-is
–noun
1.
Physical chemistry, Cell Biology .
a.
the tendency of a fluid, usually water, to pass through a semipermeable membrane into a solution where the solvent concentration is higher, thus equalizing the concentrations of materials on either side of the membrane.
b.
the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions. Compare endosmosis, exosmosis.
2.
a subtle or gradual absorption or mingling: He never studies but seems to learn by osmosis.

The act that Natalie described, the division of a cell, is known as mitosis which does indeed occur in the cells of plants. I cannot think for the life of me think of what she might mean by KGB, but that is the Russian mafia and has nothing at all to do with cell division or osmosis. More disturbingly, Natalie told me that she was at the top of her high school class (this was confirmed by a classmate or I would not re-print it). Yet another reason I need to move out of Revere before my child is born.

I Probably Won't be able to Ride the T Anymore

AT least not during rush hour or any other time where other people may be riding with me. I got on the Orange Line this evening at around 5:15. The train was packed (with idiots). I walked to the center of the car and stood. To my left were three exceptionally greasy teenagers leering at one PSP. The greasy boy holding the PSP was having his oily head stroked by his unctuous (I'll admit to using a thesaurus for that one) girlfriend while his slimy friend looked on in awe. As if the head stroking wasn't bad enough, he was waxing poetic about his favorite Final Fantasy characters loudly. To my right there was a guy wearing a green puzzle piece pin which I'm pretty sure represents Autism awareness (he is aware of Autism but not that he has it). He was playing a game on his tablet with the volume all the way up. To quote Spaceballs "I'm surrounded by assholes!" And these assholes are sitting while I am standing. I then got onto the blue line where I stood again for the whole 30 minute ride from State to Revere Beach while young, able-bodied men sat in handicapped seats. I was doing my best pregnant poses too, right hand on lower back, left on belly--NOTHING. I'm either going to have to give up on mankind or drive all the time.

A Public Service Announcement

According to the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) 18.8 million American's over the age of 18 (or 9.5% of the population) suffer from some form of depression. 30% of women are depressed. 54% of people think of depression as a personal weakness. 80% of depressed people are not currently having any treatment. (http://www.upliftprogram.com/depression_stats.html#1)
After nearly six years of treating my depression and anxiety with various medications I now find myself sans pills. Anyone who has ever taken treatment for their depression will understand what a process it is to find just the right balance. You will most likely have to experiment with different brands and doses and over time your brain chemistry will get used to those and you will have to change it up again. Plus, these things do not just start to work and you have to take a pill everyday no matter how you are feeling. it is a pain in the ass and you will constantly question yourself and your medication. I can tell you that these drugs are nothing short of small miracles. They make life better and in some cases they save lives. Between the ages of 17 and 21 I lost 5 classmates to suicide. It's not easy to admit when you are feeling blue and often people just wait for it to pass. If it doesn't pass, you need to get yourself help. And once you get that help, whether it is talk therapy or medication, you need to stick with it. There is no cure, only treatment and your treatment is your responsibility.

Baseball Without Beer

Today is opening day at Fenway Park--the home openah, as the locals call it. The Sox are currently 0-6 so there is really no where to go but up. I became a Red Sox fan while in college, having been raised a Mets "fan." I say "fan" because I never sat through a whole Mets game ever, even live at Shea Stadium. But life in Boston will change a person. New Englanders are rabid sports fans like nothing I have ever seen before. It was impossible to resist the enthusiasm, the love, the dedication that they have for the Red Sox. So I joined right in. A big part of enjoying sporting events here in Boston is drinking beer, like a lot of it. When you see a game at Fenway they actually stop serving in the 7th inning because of the over-indulgers in the crowd. The bars surrounding Fenway, however, keep serving and serving and serving. But this season will be beer free for me which makes me wonder how interested I might still be in baseball. Is it fun to go to a bar to watch the game and drink water? Can one fully enjoy a delicious Fenway frank without an equally delicious Sam Adams to wash it down? Will I fall asleep at home while watching a double-header completely sober? I guess only time will tell.

Dear Five Hour Energy

What the f are you talking about?! You have the worst commercial campaign on television. No one feels put out by making coffee, in fact, most people enjoy their coffee routine. There are actually a few pretty successful little coffee chains out there maybe you've heard of them--STARBUCKS for example. Millions of people around the world visit their local Starbucks daily to get their favorite coffee drinks in order to start the morning off right. They don't do this because they have to and they certainly don't hate the process. So, to the marketers at Five Hour Energy--GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! Commercials aren't cheap, stop throwing away your money and alienating your potential consumers.

Well Thank God for That

Did you notice that OB tampons just mysteriously disappeared a few months ago? I guess you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for them and if you don't have a vagina I'm assuming you would have been blissfully ignorant of this fact forever--I'm glad I can enlighten you. Women are extremely brand loyal, especially when it comes to her personal hygiene choices and switching it up is not an option. It took me 6 years to find OB tampons (ages 13-19 were filled with Tampax, Playtex, Kotex, pads and general discomfort). Then all of a sudden around November they were gone. I went to CVS, Walgreen's, Market Basket, Stop and Shop and Target and there were no OB to be found. Now, OB has never had the good shelf space or the flashy packaging of its competitors so I am used to having to look for them and look for them I will. Finally, I took my search to the internet to find out that I am not the only one missing my applicator-free, environmentally friendly, female designed tampons. Johnson & Johnson who make OB, have not been very forthcoming with information on the shortage simply acknowledging that there is a shortage and that distribution would resume soon. I thought I was crazy for going to web to find my tampons--nope--I'm a lightweight. Go ahead and google "OB Tampon Shortage." I'll wait. That's right. There is a website called findobtampons.com. This story has been covered by NBC, ABC and The New York Daily News. Women have gone to eBay and paid $32/ box (retail is about $8). I'm really glad I am not suffering alone, but this is a bizarre cause to get behind. Hopefully, OB will be back on the shelves next month or I might have to look into a support group.