Best Week Ever, Moving Sucks and Natalie Never Fails to Make a Post

This past week was my best ever week financially at work. I put in twice what I usually do in a week which is just crazy. I would like to thank the 70+ pairs of breasts in the greater Boston area that helped make this possible. I have to move tomorrow which is horrible on so many levels. 1, I love my current apartment and I don't want to leave. I thought that it would be my forever home but someone else bought it so we have to move. With 1 month's notice in Boston for a move on September 1--we were not left that many options. So now we're moving to Revere Beach--the Jersey Shore of Massachusetts. 2, The new apartment does not have hook ups for a washer/dryer. My washer/dryer is one of my favorite earthly possessions and now I have to get rid of it--what's worse is that no one wants it. 3, we have so much stuff. Heavy stuff. HATRED.
Natalie's new schtick is "hey, so and so called and they want their fill in the blank back." But she's not good at it. In fact, the other day she approached Patricia thinking that she would come up with something on the spot but her mind went blank and she said, "Hey, somebody called and they want their thing back." I was wearing lace-up gladiator sandals and she said, "Russell Crowe called he said he wants his shoes back." Now that would be funny if Russell Crowe was a gladiator but Maximus was a gladiator and I am pretty sure he didn't wear women's shoes. Patricia has peacock feather earrings and Natalie keeps insisting that Africa has called looking for their peacocks. Zebras, lions, gazelles, elephants, hyenas, hornbills, water buffalo, hippos, crocodiles, giraffes are all some common African animals--Natalie has chosen peacocks. Peacocks are native to the Indian subcontinent, but are fairly common in most parts of the world. Most recently, I had the following exchange with Natalie via text message:
Natalie: Hay the divinchi code called and wants the fleur de leaf back.
I was wearing a necklace today with a fleur de lis.
Me: Whoa. DaVinci was an Italian painter, not a code. And the Fleur de Lis is French. And you are an idiot.
Natalie: No but the movie....It was a symbol in the movie..Get it..The movie call..And wants it bak. Ok mayb im an idiot.
Ya think?

Family Vacation 2010

I'm sure you were concerned that you had not heard from me for awhile, you see I was on vacation with my family. We went to DisneyWorld and Universal Studios in Florida in August. Going into this vacation it was safe to say that it was going to be hot and that we would be waiting in a lot of lines. Both of these things were easy to deal with on a theoretical level, but when we were actually on the ground dealing with them it was a little uncomfortable. When I say that it was hot, I mean that it was HOT. It was sweaty and gross and the sun was non-stop beating down on us. Every time we left an air conditioned area to go outside the air was literally sucked from our lungs and sweat began to pour from every known and some unknown pores. Poor Bill. Poor, sweaty, cold-weather-lovin' Bill. He was just wet for 5 whole days. I'm surprised he's not water-logged. Going to a theme park under these conditions is not what I consider to be a vacation. It was exhausting. Everyday we got back to the hotel and collapsed. Plus there were people EVERYWHERE. Other stupid people on "vacation" with their miserable children in the happiest place on earth. No one is happy when they are hot and sweaty and their feet are tired and balls are sticking to their legs (I've heard). The shining star of this trip was definitely the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. When you arrive at the park there are signs all over pointing you in the direction of Harry Potter. There is only one way to get there and that's the long way--you literally have to walk through the entire park to get Hogwarts and when you arrive you have to wait in line just to be allowed into that section. So there was an hour and a half wait just to be allowed in the Harry Potter section. Luckily, we scored some passes that allowed us to skip that line to go on to the next line. Once inside the amazingly designed and scarily accurate looking Diagon Alley you have to wait in line to do anything including enter a store because there are so many people there. We went immediately to Hogwarts to ride the main attraction. We were told the wait would be approximately 75 minutes--fine. However, the ride shut down about 4 times during the wait extending the time to about 2 hours. Goo. The last 25 minutes of the line takes places in the greenhouse and there were several Potter plants around including Mandrakes (you could see their little faces). Inside Hogwarts is actually magical. Some of the portraits on the walls are hi-def tv screens that move and speak to each other. The technology inside the castle and the amount of detail is breathtaking. The ride, which simulates you riding a broom alongside Harry and Ron is phenomenal. It transitions between amazingly clear tv screens and the infrastructure of the castle. It was really worth the wait. Also worth the wait--Butter Beer--and yes there is a line for that too. You can also have the privilege of waiting in line to go to Ollivander's where small groups are taken in every few minutes and one lucky person has his wand select him. Or you can wait in line at the store and pick your own wand based on your birthday or pick up one of your favorite character's wands. The whole thing is really fantastic and minus the people, the heat and the wait I would have really loved it. I wanted to visit the candy store but my family ran out of patience and there was almost a mutiny. Cold beer and air conditioning remedied that situation and not a minute too soon. I thought my sister was going to explode. My advice is to go when school is in session, in the winter and pay whatever absurd sum of money Universal requires for VIP access to the park.

Digestion According to Natalie

Hello Folks. Let's do a week-in-review from Natalie. We were talking about getting gassy in a fitting room because we spend so much time in such small quarters with people, you're bound to either fart or be a victim of someone else's fart. Personally, if I'm gassy I do everything in my power to avoid getting stuck in a small room with another person but evidently, not everyone feels the same way. The worst example I can think of is a woman who let out a cartoon-esque machine gun sounding fart and then excused herself, just an "oh, excuse me," and then five minutes later DID IT AGAIN. This is both gross and hilarious and I could neither vomit nor laugh. But I digress. Natalie and I were talking about gas and she explained digestion to me like so, "You eat some food, it goes into your stomach and then your internal testinals and out your poop chute." That's right, your internal testinals. Thank you, Dr. York.

Natalie's Friend Crotch

The aforementioned Natalie has a best friend named Crotch. That's not his real name, but apparently as a child the other kids started to call him that and it caught on like wild fire (another Natalieism that I have yet to comment on--the expression is "spread like wild fire"). Anyway, Crotch read the blog and got his manties all in a bunch because he believes that he deserves the credit for "HATRED!" Since to me Natalie and Crotch are practically the same person I don't see what the big deal is but here it is in black and white (Natalie and Crotch believe everything they read on the internet so this is important to them) Crotch is, in fact, the person who originated "HATRED!" I hope that clears everything up for my dedicated readers from Revere.

So Long Nubbin

The nubbin was removed this morning. It was much more than just a surface blemish. It had roots, deep roots. Currently it looks like I was shot with a small caliber bullet. In fact, I think that's what I'm going to tell people. I have a co-worker who seems to think that wearing clothing that reveals her various cuts, burns and bruises is not only appropriate but lucrative. People see her all tore up and just hand over their money. It's crazy. She makes up bullshit ways that she sustained said injuries and I guess people feel bad so they buy more stuff. What's worse is that all day we have to listen to the various stories she makes up all day long when we know her drunk ass fell down. So tomorrow when I go to work, I go sleeveless and I go with an open imagination. Perhaps I was shot while shielding a child from passing gang violence. Maybe I was stabbed while breaking up an armed robbery at a local convenience store. I'm open to suggestions if you have them. I'll let you know how the day goes.

OOOhhhh True Blood

It's about time that I address my very favorite show, True Blood. I have read all of the Sookie Stackhouse Chronicles and I love them. If you have not read them, you should. Back to the show. This season has been ripe with homo-erotic situations involving some of our favorite True Blood hunks. But last night it got real gay between Talbot and Eric. If you're a Sookie Stackhouse reader then you probably love Eric Northman as much as I do. If you only watch True Blood, you're probably not sure what to think about Eric--good vampire or bad vampire? Good or bad, he's sexy as hell. I really admire a man who is so willing to remove his clothing in every episode. My hat's off to you, Alexander Skaarsgard. My husband, Bill, however, is not as impressed with all of the recent man on man activity. While watching last night's episode Bill said, "I didn't think Eric was like that. Has he done this (meaning sweet man love) before?" To which I responded, "Hey, he's over a thousand years old. In all of that time you're bound to run into a couple of dicks." Then to balance everything out Sookie and Bill made some mad monkey love at the end of the episode so as to not turn off all of the straight male viewers. For any of you rooting for Sookie and Bill, do you honestly think that is a healthy relationship? It's a completely adrenaline-driven attraction. Thank you for killing those rednecks who were trying to kill me--let's hop in the sack. Thank you for killing that vampire who tried to kill me, let's hop in the sack. Thank you for killing that maenad who tried to kill me, let's hop in the sack. And finally, thank you for killing those werewolves who tried to kill me--let's just do it here on the floor amongst the rubble. When is Sookie going to clean up that house? Gran must be rolling over in her premature grave. Bill is a vampire he should be able to paint that house real quick. But if not Bill, how about Jason? He seems handy (and by handy I mean absolutely freakin drop-dead gorgeous). Certainly he could take off his shirt and help Sookie restore the house. Until next week...

Shark Week

I don't know when Shark Week became so popular but it seems to be everywhere this year. I thought Shark Week was more of a guilty pleasure kind of viewing experience, not something that was so ingrained in popular culture that EVERYONE references it. I've seen five separate and unconnected people make jokes about Jersey Shore/Shark Week mash-ups. This is both obvious and unoriginal. We would all like to see the cast of Jersey Shore disappear, I don't want them to be eaten by sharks. That seems a bit harsh even to me. It would be much more apropos to have them sink back into obscurity. Anyway, back to Shark Week. I was watching Shark Week and I feel like it's not as exciting as it used to be. Watching Great White Sharks hunt and attack should be awe-inspiring, but the geniuses at Discovery Channel are trying to create more extreme shark encounters. Read that again. More extreme SHARK ENCOUNTERS. All encounters with sharks are extreme. Trying to create more extreme shark encounters is stupid. I watched a show where a guy with military survival skills put himself in ridiculous situations with sharks. Because you know how they train the military now to deal with being stuck in a cage with a shark? The only time you are going to find yourself stuck in a cage with a shark is if you lure a shark into a cage with you. Which is what they did in this show. And I felt bad for the shark. Apparently, sharks cannot swim backwards so trapping them in a tube or a cage is horrible for them because they have to fold themselves in half to swim out head first. I think that Discovery Channel has perhaps missed the mark. Idiots.