Buses are shitty without heat

The aforementioned MegaBus to NYC was without wi-fi and heat. So it was about 30 degrees on the bus for the whole 4 hour trip. I kept my laptop on for the heat the battery generates--no joke. It was freakin freezing on this bus. The worst part was that I had contemplated taking my ankle length down coat with me but I could hear Bill's voice in my head telling me that it is too big so I went without it. When I tried to call MegaBus to complain they kept me on hold for so long that I gave up.

Computers are shitty without the internet.

I cant think of a single reason someone would want to use one of these without an internet connection. Here I am sitting on the MegaBus which boasts free Wi-Fi and I am Wi-Fi-less. I can’t even post this blog entry until I get somewhere where my computer will connect. I am not blaming the bus, by the way, it could be that my nearly 7 year old laptop will not connect due to obstinance it has developed in ots old age. Did I mention that I am on a bus? When I suggested that I would take the bus to New York instead of driving Bill laughed and when I said I was serious he got very serious and said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jen. You won’t like it. You should take the train.” But the train is expensive and the bus is cheap and I cannot sleep, watch movies, or blog while driving my car. The guy sitting in front of me and now behind me because he’s antsy is apparently a freak. I can’t tell if he’s getting sick or if he’s cold or he’s on meth or what but he cannot stay still. Right now he is kicking his leg so fast I can only see the blur. Dude needs a chill pill or a blanket or rehab. So I am on this bus with this freak headed to New York City (Center of the Universe, sing it girl) for Michael Joosten’s birthday party and SantaCon. Both of these events could be treacherous to my health but are guaranteed to please. I’ve been asked to please not drink too much because I am “bad at hangovers.” I don’t know anyone who is good at hangovers but I certainly do understand what they are saying. I am not as young as I once was and I cannot drink like I once did but in the last year I have found the correct mix for myself. It involves not mixing. I don’t know how my friends are still capable of the kind of debaucherous nights we had in college, some have actually even gotten better at it (Kelli, I’m talking to you). For example, Michael’s birthday party starts at 10:30. PM. That is my bedtime. I am going to have to take a nap during the day in order to make it out that late. That said, last night was karaoke madness and I was out til 2AM but not by choice. It was damn Crotch and Natalie keeping me up til all hours singing loudly. I thought we’d go have a few drinks sing a couple of songs and be in bed by midnight but Nooooo. Every song performed was inspiration for another and at the end of the night we could just keep going up. I did Criminal by Fiona Apple, Santa baby as performed by Eartha Kitt, Black Velvet by Alana Miles, Rehab by Amy Winehouse and Alone by Heart. Crotch opened with Private Dancer by Tina Turner which was a great success then Natalie brought the crowd to its feet with her stirring rendition of If I Could Turn Back Time. All in all it was a successful night.

Topic of the next Posting: You Decide

It's been awhile since I've last posted. So long, in fact, that I don't know even know where to start. So help me out. Here are some ideas I'm kicking around, you decide what I should write:

Everyone, male and female, has a hard-on for Johnny Depp
I Had to go back to Market Basket on a Weekend
Michigan State of Confusion
We All Share This Laundry Room
Rediscovering Snood

Maybe I'll write all of these but I doubt it. Give me a place to start.

For Love and Cheez Balls

Yesterday I went to my local Market Basket in Chelsea. This is the most glorious grocery store I have ever been to. It is the largest grocery store in New England and seems every bit that large when you are inside. It is a thing to behold when you enter those automatic sliding doors. There is a cafe serving food and coffee to weary shoppers who have lost time in the windowless, clockless, flourescent lit warehouse. There are 50 registers, all open, with a line at every one. Now, I don't do so well in big crowds so I usually go shopping with Bill so we can keep each other on task and get in and out of there ASAP. Yesterday, however, Bill had other plans and we needed some groceries so I ventured out on my own. When I arrived the parking lot was very crowded, as usual, so I parked fairly far away and set out towards the front doors. There were people everywhere, moreso than usual. There were so many people there that there were no carts available. This seemed epic to me. A grocery store with no shopping carts available? How can that be? But alas it was so. So I went back outside and contemplated leaving when a man arrived with more carts freshly collected from the parking lot. I actually had to compete to get one as there were others waiting for more carts to arrive. This made me really want to leave but one thing kept me there: Cheez Balls. This is the only local store that sells the giant tub of Cheez Balls that Bill likes and it was his only request when I asked what he wanted at the store. So I staid my nerves and ventured forth toward produce. When I saw the crowd there I immediately retreated, skipped over the frozen foods and made a bee-line for the meat department. To hell with the list, I was running through this place as fast as I could--which was not so fast due to the sea of humanity swimming slowly through the aisles. One time I tried to back track--big mistake. I got about three quarters of the way through the store when I realized that I had not picked up the goddamned Cheez Balls. I tried to go back but I was like a salmon swimming up-stream so I abandoned my cart--a risky move in this crowd--and made my move back to the Chips and Snacks aisle. I dodged, I ducked, I spun and gradually I made my way to the sacred plastic bucket of cheesey snacks. I grabbed them, cursed my husband and made my way back to my cart which was, amazingly, still where I left it. I looked over at the deli counter and laughed at the thought before continuing on my mad grab. By the time I got to the dairy section my heart was pounding and I was sweating profusely, but I knew I was almost done so that got me through until I turned toward the check out. Oh mama. As tears welled up in my eyes I looked for a line that had a foreseeable end. Eventually I got through, made it back to the safety and seclusion of my car. I got home, unpacked the groceries and started baking--the best way to calm down. Later, when Bill came home I told him about my ordeal and what i went through all in the name of processed cheese snacks. He looked at me with sympathy in his eyes having seen me freak in crowds before and then he smiled and thanked me for the Cheez Balls.

Village of Equestrian Farts

The other day Natalie had a client who worked with horses. After the fitting she came out and told me about this woman--that she was an equestrian (a new word for Nat) and that she smelled like a village of equestrian farts. This conjured up such a vivid image for me. Picture an Olympic village for equestrian athletes and their mounts. I thinks it looks like an old Bavarian village with cobblestone streets and quaint, warm looking thatched roof houses with smoke coming out of the chimneys. There is a beer hall with big, long communal tables where all the villagers come in and sit together. They eat bratwurst with red cabbage and drink amber-colored beer out of large steins served by waitresses in traditional garb. At night they gather around the fire, raise their steins and sing patriotic drinking songs from their various country's of origin. Their horses, the finest in the world, are in big, luxurious barns with large stalls full of golden hay. Everyone man, woman, child and horse in the village are the picture of happiness. But there is something strange about this picturesque little hamlet. Any outsider who comes within 50 feet of it is instantly and violently turned away despite its otherwise inviting atmosphere. Depending on the light, at certain times of the day you can see a slightly yellow tinged cloud over the village and that is the source of what turns the outsiders away. There is a smell surrounding this village that is so repugnant that even stray dogs avoid it. It smells like sulfur, leather, sweat, port-a-potties and the dumpster behind a B-rated Indian restaurant. We all have Natalie to thank for this.

In an unrelated incident, still involving Natalie, she described the people that do our inventory as mollusks. She didn't know what it was but she likes the way it sounds.

Oh, and I was promoted to Assistant Manager, but I like the way Ass Manager sounds better so that is my new title.

Ugh you got to be kidding me

I went to get a mani/pedi today which is usually a source of happiness for me. I sat down in the big massaging arm chair and put my feet in the warm, unnaturally blue water. The manicurist reached up and turned on the massager then proceeded to work on my feet. I didn't have a book with me and reading the 4 month old copy of US with the headline about teen mom Maci's custody battle was not an option for me. So I picked up my phone to play a game when I noticed a jelly-like jiggle coming from under my shirt. I was...dismayed? disappointed? disgusted. I reached for the massager remote control and pressed every button but apparently there was no kill switch on this particular model. I had to endure the 20 minutes of involuntary truffle shuffle while my feet were thoroughly scrubbed, moisturized and painted. Grand. The worst part is that I really liked the place and now I don't think I can go back sans Spanx.

Everyone Loves Sandwiches

Erin and I have been friends since we were 7 years old. We were in the same Girl Scout troupe and then my family moved down the street from hers when I was 9. I guess it's actually misleading to say that we were friends when we were 7--I really couldn't stand her. She was really weird; always talking like Steve Urkel saying "Did I do that?" Plus her favorite New Kid on the Block was Danny who was/ still is the ugliest guy in boy band history. I mostly teased her and called her names until we graduated from middle school. She decided to go to Catholic high school and I was off the public HS. It was then that I realized how much I actually loved her. Keep in mind that she became a little less strange in the time that passed. We've been inseparable ever since. We lived on the same street, worked at the same Barnes and Noble, performed in the same shows, went to each other's proms and then both set off to Boston for College. She is as expected at Milligan family events as I am.
Erin is currently a high school history teacher and has been since she graduated BU in 2005. While student teaching Erin was at a school where the lower level students (those with learning and/or developmental disabilities) were taught life skills and made and served breakfast sandwiches before school. From that point on she referred to all students at this level as "sandwich makers." Often the "sandwich makers" also came with several behavioral issues which Erin, as a teacher, would have to deal with. Erin often talks about these special students with hate in her heart (so it's only right that she gets it out).
A few weeks ago Erin started seeing a new guy. She seemed optimistic. They went out on a couple of dates, had a good time, took a walk on the beach and did some smooching. A few nights ago Erin decided to have this guy over for dinner at her place so she could show off her cooking skills and introduce the new guy to the other man in her life, her cat, Petey. While she was preparing dinner the guy noticed her work schedule left out from her lesson planning and inquired as to what Level 4 was. Erin broke into a rant about sandwich makers, going on and on about the many difficulties she has dealing with them. The new guy then explained that he was in Level 4 in high school. Ah. Well, thought Erin, that explains a lot. The guy went on to say that he eventually worked his way into normal classes and so was not offended by what Erin had ranted about. To which Erin, who apparently can't take a hint, responded, "Well had you been in those classes all through high school you wouldn't have understood enough to be offended." Now that was exactly what I was thinking when she relayed this story to me but even I would not have said it out loud. I don't think they are going to see each other again. Unless, of course, Erin is looking for a breakfast sandwich.

It's Not Easy Being Mean

Apparently lately I have been struggling to hide my distaste for those around me. Bill and I were at Friendly's the other day and there was this totally white trashy family sitting to our right. You know the type, 400 lb mom, 75 lb dad, 3 kids all dressed in their best sweatpants. Two of the three little girls looked like orphans in Annie only without the charm. When the kids were done eating they were just kind of allowed to run around the table, then the baby was removed from the high chair and the smaller raggamuffin decided to climb into it and sit there. Bill had to ask me at least five times to stop scowling at them, but I really couldn't help it. Then today I was driving through the parking lot in front of Target and I stopped at the walkway so a family could walk safely to their car when I noticed how homely the mother was. At first I thought that maybe she had cancer and was undergoing chemo because it looked like her hair had fallen out but as I got closer I saw that, in fact, she was just ugly. And I had to fight the urge to roll down the window and point that out to her husband. "Excuse me sir. Your wife is very unattractive. From a distance it appears as if she was being kept and tortured as a prisoner-of-war. In fact, I thought I saw her in Schindler's List--she was NOT on the list. She is very unfortunate looking." And then I would drive away. What makes a person think like that? And further more, what makes me think that I should share those thoughts? Maybe I should talk to a professional or start doing stand-up. But is it funny that I really feel that way? I don't know.

G as in Gnat

At work we often have to call other stores to get things for clients because our inventory is a joke. So today I thought it would make it more fun to ask for sizes by using silent letters like so, "I'm looking for a Madison in 36G as in gnat in black." It's also fun when you say 38J as in jalapeno or 32E as in Elle. It works with other letters too for example P as in pterodactyl. Mostly I had to write this down so that Natalie could not take credit for it. Speaking of Natalie today she told me I needed more substenance in my diet. Apparently this is a combination of sustenance and substance. She asked if combining words was part of being dyslexic, I gently explained that it is part of being retarded.

The Hunger Games

I tend to fall in love with fictional literary characters and then go into a depression after I have read all of the books in the series. Currently I am particularly low as I am without Sookie Stackhouse (this is hard on so many levels as I have read all of the chronicles and short stories and the show won;t be back until next summer), Mickael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander (Stieg Larsson went so far as to die to avoid writing any more of these books), Henry VIII and Elizabeth I (Philippa Gregory has moved on to the War of the Roses and I've read those too but they're not as juicy as the Tudors' stories) and now I am without Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mallark and Gale Hawthorne. You should really read these books--they are so fabulous. If you are not familiar with the story allow me to catch you up. The world has changed dramatically due to an environmental disaster which caused the coasts to flood thereby shrinking North America. The United States is now knows as Panem and it is divided into the ruling Capitol and 12 subservient districts. 75 years ago during the "Dark Days" the districts revolted against the Capitol and lost. To remind the people of the districts of the absolute power of the Capitol and to punish them for their revolution the Capitol established "The Hunger Games." Every year there is a reaping in the districts in which 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl, between the ages of 12 and 18 are chosen to compete in a fight to the death. 24 children are chosen and only 1 can survive as they are forced to kill each other or be killed by the many traps, mutts (lab made monsters and harsh environmental conditions in the arena. I don't want to give away anything in the books so I won't go into anymore detail. The characters are so amazing. The author is amazingly descriptive despite her short prose. I flew through all three books in about 1 week. I should have spread it out further so I wouldn't be so lonely right now. I'm seriously considering Katniss or Everdeen as at least a middle name for a daughter--seriously she's that great. I, myself, would like to learn how to shoot a bow and arrow. I laughed, I cried, I stayed up to all hours of the night finishing each book. I almost missed my stop on the T more than once. How will I ever replace her?

S'il Vous Plait (Natalie Strikes Again)

The other day Natalie ever so graciously offered to pick up lunch at B. Good. So I wrote down my order on a post-it:
Chicken Sandwich w/ cheddar cheese and avocado
sweet potato fries
coke
S'il Vous Plait
About ten minutes later Natalie calls and says, "Hey, Jen what is the sil voos plate? They don't have that, the guys doesn't know what I'm talking about."
My response: Are you serious?
Natalie: ...
Me: Did you ask the guy for that?
Natalie: yeah, what does it mean?
Me: Oh man. S'il vous plait is French for please.
Natalie: I'm an idiot.
Me: Yup.
A few minutes later Natalie comes back with the food looking a little embarrassed. So I asked her what she told the guy and she said she told him that no one answered the phone. Goo.

Best Week Ever, Moving Sucks and Natalie Never Fails to Make a Post

This past week was my best ever week financially at work. I put in twice what I usually do in a week which is just crazy. I would like to thank the 70+ pairs of breasts in the greater Boston area that helped make this possible. I have to move tomorrow which is horrible on so many levels. 1, I love my current apartment and I don't want to leave. I thought that it would be my forever home but someone else bought it so we have to move. With 1 month's notice in Boston for a move on September 1--we were not left that many options. So now we're moving to Revere Beach--the Jersey Shore of Massachusetts. 2, The new apartment does not have hook ups for a washer/dryer. My washer/dryer is one of my favorite earthly possessions and now I have to get rid of it--what's worse is that no one wants it. 3, we have so much stuff. Heavy stuff. HATRED.
Natalie's new schtick is "hey, so and so called and they want their fill in the blank back." But she's not good at it. In fact, the other day she approached Patricia thinking that she would come up with something on the spot but her mind went blank and she said, "Hey, somebody called and they want their thing back." I was wearing lace-up gladiator sandals and she said, "Russell Crowe called he said he wants his shoes back." Now that would be funny if Russell Crowe was a gladiator but Maximus was a gladiator and I am pretty sure he didn't wear women's shoes. Patricia has peacock feather earrings and Natalie keeps insisting that Africa has called looking for their peacocks. Zebras, lions, gazelles, elephants, hyenas, hornbills, water buffalo, hippos, crocodiles, giraffes are all some common African animals--Natalie has chosen peacocks. Peacocks are native to the Indian subcontinent, but are fairly common in most parts of the world. Most recently, I had the following exchange with Natalie via text message:
Natalie: Hay the divinchi code called and wants the fleur de leaf back.
I was wearing a necklace today with a fleur de lis.
Me: Whoa. DaVinci was an Italian painter, not a code. And the Fleur de Lis is French. And you are an idiot.
Natalie: No but the movie....It was a symbol in the movie..Get it..The movie call..And wants it bak. Ok mayb im an idiot.
Ya think?

Family Vacation 2010

I'm sure you were concerned that you had not heard from me for awhile, you see I was on vacation with my family. We went to DisneyWorld and Universal Studios in Florida in August. Going into this vacation it was safe to say that it was going to be hot and that we would be waiting in a lot of lines. Both of these things were easy to deal with on a theoretical level, but when we were actually on the ground dealing with them it was a little uncomfortable. When I say that it was hot, I mean that it was HOT. It was sweaty and gross and the sun was non-stop beating down on us. Every time we left an air conditioned area to go outside the air was literally sucked from our lungs and sweat began to pour from every known and some unknown pores. Poor Bill. Poor, sweaty, cold-weather-lovin' Bill. He was just wet for 5 whole days. I'm surprised he's not water-logged. Going to a theme park under these conditions is not what I consider to be a vacation. It was exhausting. Everyday we got back to the hotel and collapsed. Plus there were people EVERYWHERE. Other stupid people on "vacation" with their miserable children in the happiest place on earth. No one is happy when they are hot and sweaty and their feet are tired and balls are sticking to their legs (I've heard). The shining star of this trip was definitely the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. When you arrive at the park there are signs all over pointing you in the direction of Harry Potter. There is only one way to get there and that's the long way--you literally have to walk through the entire park to get Hogwarts and when you arrive you have to wait in line just to be allowed into that section. So there was an hour and a half wait just to be allowed in the Harry Potter section. Luckily, we scored some passes that allowed us to skip that line to go on to the next line. Once inside the amazingly designed and scarily accurate looking Diagon Alley you have to wait in line to do anything including enter a store because there are so many people there. We went immediately to Hogwarts to ride the main attraction. We were told the wait would be approximately 75 minutes--fine. However, the ride shut down about 4 times during the wait extending the time to about 2 hours. Goo. The last 25 minutes of the line takes places in the greenhouse and there were several Potter plants around including Mandrakes (you could see their little faces). Inside Hogwarts is actually magical. Some of the portraits on the walls are hi-def tv screens that move and speak to each other. The technology inside the castle and the amount of detail is breathtaking. The ride, which simulates you riding a broom alongside Harry and Ron is phenomenal. It transitions between amazingly clear tv screens and the infrastructure of the castle. It was really worth the wait. Also worth the wait--Butter Beer--and yes there is a line for that too. You can also have the privilege of waiting in line to go to Ollivander's where small groups are taken in every few minutes and one lucky person has his wand select him. Or you can wait in line at the store and pick your own wand based on your birthday or pick up one of your favorite character's wands. The whole thing is really fantastic and minus the people, the heat and the wait I would have really loved it. I wanted to visit the candy store but my family ran out of patience and there was almost a mutiny. Cold beer and air conditioning remedied that situation and not a minute too soon. I thought my sister was going to explode. My advice is to go when school is in session, in the winter and pay whatever absurd sum of money Universal requires for VIP access to the park.

Digestion According to Natalie

Hello Folks. Let's do a week-in-review from Natalie. We were talking about getting gassy in a fitting room because we spend so much time in such small quarters with people, you're bound to either fart or be a victim of someone else's fart. Personally, if I'm gassy I do everything in my power to avoid getting stuck in a small room with another person but evidently, not everyone feels the same way. The worst example I can think of is a woman who let out a cartoon-esque machine gun sounding fart and then excused herself, just an "oh, excuse me," and then five minutes later DID IT AGAIN. This is both gross and hilarious and I could neither vomit nor laugh. But I digress. Natalie and I were talking about gas and she explained digestion to me like so, "You eat some food, it goes into your stomach and then your internal testinals and out your poop chute." That's right, your internal testinals. Thank you, Dr. York.

Natalie's Friend Crotch

The aforementioned Natalie has a best friend named Crotch. That's not his real name, but apparently as a child the other kids started to call him that and it caught on like wild fire (another Natalieism that I have yet to comment on--the expression is "spread like wild fire"). Anyway, Crotch read the blog and got his manties all in a bunch because he believes that he deserves the credit for "HATRED!" Since to me Natalie and Crotch are practically the same person I don't see what the big deal is but here it is in black and white (Natalie and Crotch believe everything they read on the internet so this is important to them) Crotch is, in fact, the person who originated "HATRED!" I hope that clears everything up for my dedicated readers from Revere.

So Long Nubbin

The nubbin was removed this morning. It was much more than just a surface blemish. It had roots, deep roots. Currently it looks like I was shot with a small caliber bullet. In fact, I think that's what I'm going to tell people. I have a co-worker who seems to think that wearing clothing that reveals her various cuts, burns and bruises is not only appropriate but lucrative. People see her all tore up and just hand over their money. It's crazy. She makes up bullshit ways that she sustained said injuries and I guess people feel bad so they buy more stuff. What's worse is that all day we have to listen to the various stories she makes up all day long when we know her drunk ass fell down. So tomorrow when I go to work, I go sleeveless and I go with an open imagination. Perhaps I was shot while shielding a child from passing gang violence. Maybe I was stabbed while breaking up an armed robbery at a local convenience store. I'm open to suggestions if you have them. I'll let you know how the day goes.

OOOhhhh True Blood

It's about time that I address my very favorite show, True Blood. I have read all of the Sookie Stackhouse Chronicles and I love them. If you have not read them, you should. Back to the show. This season has been ripe with homo-erotic situations involving some of our favorite True Blood hunks. But last night it got real gay between Talbot and Eric. If you're a Sookie Stackhouse reader then you probably love Eric Northman as much as I do. If you only watch True Blood, you're probably not sure what to think about Eric--good vampire or bad vampire? Good or bad, he's sexy as hell. I really admire a man who is so willing to remove his clothing in every episode. My hat's off to you, Alexander Skaarsgard. My husband, Bill, however, is not as impressed with all of the recent man on man activity. While watching last night's episode Bill said, "I didn't think Eric was like that. Has he done this (meaning sweet man love) before?" To which I responded, "Hey, he's over a thousand years old. In all of that time you're bound to run into a couple of dicks." Then to balance everything out Sookie and Bill made some mad monkey love at the end of the episode so as to not turn off all of the straight male viewers. For any of you rooting for Sookie and Bill, do you honestly think that is a healthy relationship? It's a completely adrenaline-driven attraction. Thank you for killing those rednecks who were trying to kill me--let's hop in the sack. Thank you for killing that vampire who tried to kill me, let's hop in the sack. Thank you for killing that maenad who tried to kill me, let's hop in the sack. And finally, thank you for killing those werewolves who tried to kill me--let's just do it here on the floor amongst the rubble. When is Sookie going to clean up that house? Gran must be rolling over in her premature grave. Bill is a vampire he should be able to paint that house real quick. But if not Bill, how about Jason? He seems handy (and by handy I mean absolutely freakin drop-dead gorgeous). Certainly he could take off his shirt and help Sookie restore the house. Until next week...

Shark Week

I don't know when Shark Week became so popular but it seems to be everywhere this year. I thought Shark Week was more of a guilty pleasure kind of viewing experience, not something that was so ingrained in popular culture that EVERYONE references it. I've seen five separate and unconnected people make jokes about Jersey Shore/Shark Week mash-ups. This is both obvious and unoriginal. We would all like to see the cast of Jersey Shore disappear, I don't want them to be eaten by sharks. That seems a bit harsh even to me. It would be much more apropos to have them sink back into obscurity. Anyway, back to Shark Week. I was watching Shark Week and I feel like it's not as exciting as it used to be. Watching Great White Sharks hunt and attack should be awe-inspiring, but the geniuses at Discovery Channel are trying to create more extreme shark encounters. Read that again. More extreme SHARK ENCOUNTERS. All encounters with sharks are extreme. Trying to create more extreme shark encounters is stupid. I watched a show where a guy with military survival skills put himself in ridiculous situations with sharks. Because you know how they train the military now to deal with being stuck in a cage with a shark? The only time you are going to find yourself stuck in a cage with a shark is if you lure a shark into a cage with you. Which is what they did in this show. And I felt bad for the shark. Apparently, sharks cannot swim backwards so trapping them in a tube or a cage is horrible for them because they have to fold themselves in half to swim out head first. I think that Discovery Channel has perhaps missed the mark. Idiots.

Things Natalie Says

My friend Natalie is a classic. She's the sunshine in my day because everything she says is hilarious. She also thinks that she is the first person to say a catch phrase that then catches on. Since this is the first of what I am sure will be a lot of posts about Natalie, I will catch all of you up.
Things Natalie thinks she made up:
Done and Done
-esque which she says is the new "ish" but she combines the two so it's esque-ish
40 is the new 30 is the new 20
I don't like your tone
Things I will give Natalie credit for
HATRED!
mashuganuts (Natalie thought that this was the correct word for macadamia nuts)
Words Natalie frequently misuses
egregious (she seems to think it means irrelevant)
agreeance (go to urbandictionary.com and look up agreeance)

Yesterday Natalie told me that no man would buy the milk if he was getting the cow for free.

Stay tuned for more from Natalie.

Face Punch Drive-Thru

So what if there was a drive-thru where you could order a person to punch in the face.
For example, "Welcome to Face Punch Drive Thru, how can I help you?"
"I would like a middle-aged white lady to punch in the face."
"Please check the screen to make sure I got that right."
"Yup, that looks fine. A middle-aged white lady."
"Great that will be $25.95, please drive thru."

Then you drive to the first window to pay and at the second window a middle aged white lady sticks her face out and you punch it. Granted, this is not a great job, but times is tough folks.

Just a thought.

**No middle-aged white women were harmed in the writing of this post.

I Like Your Other Nipples

I have a little growth on my shoulder and this morning my husband, Bill, and I were guessing at what it might be. I suggested that it might be a nubbin (Friends reference) and he suddenly became very concerned and said, "No, I like your other nipples much better."

Help me Out Here

What's with people "trying to get pregnant?" As far as I can tell it's really easy, in fact, I have friends who have done it on accident. I am also told that when you're not trying is when it happens. I think this is a really strange way to tell your friends that your getting laid. The real question is, why is everyone telling me? Do I look curious? I have been married for less than a year so leave me alone. My husband and I are children, we don't need any running around, trying to play with our toys and taking away attention from us. Don't get me wrong I like kids, I also like when they go home.

This is kind of great

Every time I think of something I can write it down here I love that. You will all greatly benefit from my thoughts I can assure you. But don't get used to having this many postings in a day, I'll probably get sick of this very soon plus I have a job so.

Thank You

I rarely get sentimental, which I am sure can be very disheartening for those around me. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the people who make me happy everyday. I don't often (or ever) say it but I love you. If you're the kind of person who needs this kind of affirmation then you know who you are.

A Funny thing that just happened

After I published that last post, an ad for google ads popped up about Boston weddings. That's why human beings need to handle advertising.

A funny thing I heard today

I was listening to Howard Stern (every time I'm in the car I'm listening to Howard Stern btw) and he was talking about gay wedding ceremonies (not wedding ceremonies that are lame but those that involve homosexuals tying the knot). Apparently one of the couples on the Real L Word are planning their wedding and want to have a traditional wedding. So Howard was commenting on the fact that right from the get-go it's not traditional because it's two ladies getting married. Howard's point was that they should do something different, something unique. He then said (and this is funny part) that if he was gay and getting married that he would be shot out of a cannon. He would start a new tradition, a new homosexual wedding tradition to celebrate his marriage. He then went on to say that (and this is really funny) he would be shot out of a cannon into his betrothed's asshole. So the new gay wedding tradition would be getting shot out of a cannon into the asshole of your beloved. yes.

You're Wasting Your Brain

A good friend of mine recently told me that I was wasting my brain. She meant this as a compliment (I think); she was telling me that I was not living up to my potential in my current situation (I think). She really wasn't telling me anything I don't already know, but it somehow resonated with me. She advised me to start a blog and since she is so hard to ignore, here we are. Other names I bounced around for this blog:

F my Life (taken)

I'd Rather be Sleeping (too depressing)

Things I Hate (too obvious)

Sunshine and Rainbows (sarcasm doesn't translate well when written)

I'm sure you're dying to learn a little bit more about me. I'm a 27-year-old, recently married, underemployed female living in Boston, MA (Go Sox!--people expect me to say shit like that). I have 2 adopted dogs Sophie and Lola whom I love more than a person should love a dog. To say that my life is good would be boring and to tell you the truth, an outright lie. I mean, when you put it in perspective I guess my life is really good but compared to people who are homeless, impoverished or dying--most people can say that. I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone else because I am the only me and about 15 times a day I say, out loud, F my life. Not to say I don't have good moments--I'm a good time to be around. I love to laugh almost as much as I like to make people laugh. Lea Michelle said it best this past season on Glee, "I'm like TinkerBell, I need applause to live." Or something to that effect. I think that I will not be happy (or at least I won't admit to it) until I have a satisfying career. I had a satisfying career for a while when I lived in LA. I was mostly happy then. Except that I spent a lot of time hating LA (there's not much to like). Maybe I'm a downer. Currently, LA looks swell. The weather was nice, I had a good job that I was doing really well at, my now husband had a pretty good job. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence but it just looks to me like the grass on my side is covered in poo.